Witty-funny-funliners-awesome Tweets June week 4

I just snatched your little ray of freaking sunshine and flushed it down the toilet. How ya feeling now?

My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed.... I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.

WARNING: If you see posts offering free clips of Justin Bieber's new album, DO NOT CLICK. They link to free clips of Bieber's new album.

Did I offend you with my opinion? Oh well, you should hear the ones I keep to myself...

We met, we called, we liked, we talked, we texted, we dated, we committed. I loved, you cheated, I'm done.. You're deleted

I can't take this long distance relationship anymore...Fridge, you're coming to my room.


My phone battery can last longer than most relationships these days.

Relationships start with "Can we talk?" and end in "We need to talk."

can a woman make u a millionaire? yes. if you are a billionaire..

The pen is only mightier than the sword if it's sticking in someone's neck, or maybe eyeball.

I don't like cocaine... I just like the way it smells.

Did you know? Its impossible to say "Good Eye Might" without sounding Australian? Share if you tried :)

"Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you."

I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie should adopt me.

If the zombie apocalypse ever happens I am just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills. I should be fine.

Wow, my neighbours get horrible phone reception under their bed.

I think I could start a pretty successful company that makes nothing but excuses.

I wish my cat would stop thinking outside the box.

There are 3 kinds of people in the world. Those who learn by reading, those who learn by observing and those of us who just HAVE to pee on the electric fence.

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: You have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.

I just don't understand my next door neighbour. He keeps going on about how he'd love to be a contestant on a reality show, but he went mental when he found out I'd put cameras all over his house.

Let's reflect for a moment on all those souls stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles.

I roasted a duck last night, but I don't think he got the jokes.

You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.

I blame Disney movies for making me believe singing fixes everything.

If laughter was really the best medicine, you can bet my insurance would only cover giggles, chuckles and snickers.

What do we want? A cure for short-term memory loss! When do we want it? When do we want what?

A really hot girl asked me for my number today and all I had to do was hit her car with my car.

Does not surprise me that those people abducted by aliens all get brought back

Some of you need to give your inner child a time out.

Every time you judge me you gain weight.

OPTIMISM: Where there’s a will, there’s a way. PESSIMISM: Where there’s a will, someone died.

I recently joined the fitness club at the gym. So far, I've lost 90 pounds... But no weight.

If Einstein hadn't come up with the Theory of Relativity, someone else would have. It was only a matter of time.

I'm sick of everyone calling me lazy, so I've decided I'm going to commit suicide. I've hired a hitman for the job.

I once had a dream that came true. I dreamt I was awake and when I woke up I was.

My wife is addicted to takeaways. She's taken away my confidence, my dignity, my self-respect, my money....