Top Funny Tweets - Witty Tweets - Funliners June Week 3

The more laundry I do, the less crazy nudists seem.

I don't have health insurance but I do have car insurance so whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree.

I'll never forget the first time my son said "I love you, Dad!" He was talking to the mailman, BUT how cute is that?

I appreciate the transparency that the Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" and "5 second rule" are a bit much.

I would like to thank my legs. Without them I would not be standing here today.

The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes far away, skeletons close, Spiders far, far away...and everything else in a big pile.

If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?

I'm not sayin my mother-in-law is fat but even her bathtub has sttretch marks

Dear Facebook, I noticed you put in your search bar: "Search for people, places and things". Why not just say, "Search for nouns"?

I'm not stalking. I'm concerned...all the time...about all things in your life.

Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers.

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

I've never seen a tombstone that read: "Died from not forwarding that text to ten people."

Dear MTV, I'm gonna start my own TV network called RealityTV; RTV and play nothing but music videos.

The quickest way to lose all faith in humanity is to read the comments section for almost anything on the internet.

I just burned 1200 calories.I forgot the pizza in the oven.

The best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?

Sometimes I question my sanity. Sometimes it replies.

BEST GAMER PICK UP LINE: You turn my software into hardware.

2 hour movie, 30 second sex scene… Guess which part your parents walk in on ….

I'm on that diet where you eat everything you want and pray for a miracle.

We have so much in common. You want to travel... I want you to go...

Come on, who are you going to believe? Me or the background check?

I love you with all my butt. I would say heart, but my butt is bigger.

I used to work at a recycling plant. My job was to crush cans. It was soda pressing.

Some brains are like the Bermuda Triangle. Information goes in, never to be seen again.

If you want to be a super hero, you can start by taking a flying leap.

I'm more confused than a circular pizza in a square box, cut into triangular slices.

I prefer not to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

Some days I feel I have the weight of the whole world on my shoulders. Other days I don't carry a purse.

I used to wonder what it was like to read people's minds But now that I have a Facebook account I'm over it.

I just knew I was going to get thrown out of the optimism society.

Broken glass tastes just like blood.

Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.

"What's done cannot be undone." They obviously didn't have shoelaces in Shakespeare's day.

My girlfriend just asked me, "When we go to Egypt, can we go on a Camel?" I said, "Fuck off, it would take ages to get there on a Camel."

Every cigarette you smoke takes five minutes off your life. According to my calculations I should have died in 1879.