My wife is adorable, smart, sexy, and looking over my shoulder as I type.
If I don't spend any money on anything for the next 3 days...I still won't have any money.
Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids.
When Chuck Norris was born he slapped the doctor
*ABRACADABRA*.................Nope, you're still an idiot
People who make medication clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
A cop pulled me over and said "I need your license, I need your insurance and I need your registration!" I said "What about ME & my NEEDS!?"
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
Last night a horse asked me if I was planning on driving home. There might've been a cop on top of it.
Guy gets arrested for smuggling cocaine into America. Next week, another guy arrested for smuggling it out. Do they want the stuff or not?
I can always tell if someone is a murderer within the first 5 seconds of them stabbing me.
The Judge: "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you again." The Criminal: "That's what I told the cop, but he wouldn't listen!"
What if April Fools' Day doesn't exist and its been the longest prank in History?
A clock with a mirror? Time for reflection.
I wish some conversations came with a fast-forward button.
Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out!
Wife : Do you want dinner? Husband : Sure, what are my choices? Wife : Yes and no.
I walked into the bank and said to the cashier,Id like to open a joint account please. "OK, with whom though? "Whoever has a lot of money.
I didnt know how to tell my wife I had cheated on her, so I just told her I was the fastest animal on the planet.
It's funny how Disney films sometimes have hidden subliminal messages. For example, play Cinderella in reverse and it's the story of a woman who learns her place.
CAUTION: Reading the entire medication warning may cause drowsi
The closest to perfection most people ever get is when they're filling out a job application.
My neighbor's dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
The reason it's called Mother Nature is because if it were Father Nature the weather would be a lot more predictable.
I'll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where's my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I'm here! Under your jacket!"
I am looking forward to the 3D Titanic movie because I anticipate that that scene where the two young lovers are at the front of the ship pretending to fly will make for an awesome Kate Winslett boobie shot.
I love my job as a stone collector...it rocks!
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
I want you to know something, but I don't want to tell you, so I'll let the first three words of this sentence explain it :*
I was sitting on the toilet when the girl in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.
If I don't spend any money on anything for the next 3 days...I still won't have any money.
Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, so I uploaded my debt and my kids.
When Chuck Norris was born he slapped the doctor
*ABRACADABRA*.................Nope, you're still an idiot
People who make medication clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
A cop pulled me over and said "I need your license, I need your insurance and I need your registration!" I said "What about ME & my NEEDS!?"
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
Last night a horse asked me if I was planning on driving home. There might've been a cop on top of it.
Guy gets arrested for smuggling cocaine into America. Next week, another guy arrested for smuggling it out. Do they want the stuff or not?
I can always tell if someone is a murderer within the first 5 seconds of them stabbing me.
The Judge: "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you again." The Criminal: "That's what I told the cop, but he wouldn't listen!"
What if April Fools' Day doesn't exist and its been the longest prank in History?
A clock with a mirror? Time for reflection.
I wish some conversations came with a fast-forward button.
Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out!
Wife : Do you want dinner? Husband : Sure, what are my choices? Wife : Yes and no.
I walked into the bank and said to the cashier,Id like to open a joint account please. "OK, with whom though? "Whoever has a lot of money.
I didnt know how to tell my wife I had cheated on her, so I just told her I was the fastest animal on the planet.
It's funny how Disney films sometimes have hidden subliminal messages. For example, play Cinderella in reverse and it's the story of a woman who learns her place.
CAUTION: Reading the entire medication warning may cause drowsi
The closest to perfection most people ever get is when they're filling out a job application.
My neighbor's dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
The reason it's called Mother Nature is because if it were Father Nature the weather would be a lot more predictable.
I'll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where's my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I'm here! Under your jacket!"
I am looking forward to the 3D Titanic movie because I anticipate that that scene where the two young lovers are at the front of the ship pretending to fly will make for an awesome Kate Winslett boobie shot.
I love my job as a stone collector...it rocks!
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
I want you to know something, but I don't want to tell you, so I'll let the first three words of this sentence explain it :*
I was sitting on the toilet when the girl in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.
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