so....some guy at my kids school just asked me if I was a homosexual....I believe his exact words were...."Do you like Twilight"?....
If you are doubting between buying one book or another.. choose the one you can read in the toilet.
Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
Great in Chinese is - Fa Kin Su Pah
Will you be my "it's complicated" on Facebook?
One spelling mistake can destroy your life, A Husband sent this to his wife:I'm having a wonderful time wish you were her
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a sword.
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
Let us not forget the real meaning of Christmas... The birth of Santa Claus.
The best way to get a man's attention is to mute the TV!
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that
Just bought forty copies of Justin Bieber's latest CD as Christmas presents for all those who really pissed me off throughout 2011.
I would take a bullet for my wife, unless it was fired out of a gun.
I'm sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
Okay... We have Smartphones and Smart Cars. Can we start concentrating on making more Smart people now?
If you can’t take a joke.. don’t walk around looking like one
Another reason weed is better than alcohol: never stone dialed an ex... By the time I grab my phone I forget why I have it, and just order a pizza instead.
Man is rated the highest animal, at least among those animals who returned the survey.
My blonde girlfriend said, "I think the man that invented the clock is a genius!" I said,Why? She said,Well how did he know what time it was
I was carrying groceries to the house the other night, when Justin Bieber played on my mp3 player. Had to bang my head on the trunk until my earphones fell out.
A pessimist is merely someone who recognises that every silver lining is attached to a cloud.
Tell a man there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he needs to touch it.
A great way to ruin someones knock knock joke is to say, "Come in!" instead of "Who's there?"
Marriage advice. Twice a week the wife and I go out for a nice, relaxing meal. She goes on Mondays and I go on Fridays.
Why is it that the acronym for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is not in alphabetical order?
I can stop a speeding bullet. Once.