top tweets

When I was younger, my brother's suicide attempt hit me hard. He landed on me when he jumped out of the window.


what would be the name of vacuum cleaner found by apple's co.? - iSuck... :P


A nurse said to a doctor, "There's a man in the waiting room who claims he's invisible." The doctor says, "Tell him I can't see him."


When I get younger I'm going to be a Time Traveler


My parents said I should watch less movies and read more. so I turned on the subtitles



So, i met this prostitute and she was like 'i will do anything for money'.. Guess who got their homework done!


Karaoke bars combine two of the world’s great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing


Dear Millionaires, if you don’t have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you’re spending it wrong.


Dear clever comeback, can you come BEFORE the argument is over. Thanks!


Whoever said,”It’s easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission” was obviously never married.


I broke up with my Gym, we were not working out


Dear Microsoft word, please understand - my name is NOT a spelling mistake


Steve Jobs is now working with God to make iWife... Beauty with brains and Mute button


I know its a long shot and i shouldn't really be asking you but i really appreciate it if i could possibly borrow your face for halloween.


I wear a Superman top under my clothes so when there's an emergency situation at work, I run down the hall ripping my shirt off and go home


Halloween is the by far the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch


Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough


The Playboy Mansion is the world's greatest nursing home at this point.


I don't know what I'd do without you guys but I bet it would be something productive.


It's easy to spot people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane.