30 New Funny Status Updates

That awkward moment when someone texts you and you're not sure if they actually meant to send it to you or somebody else. "Are you single?" "No, I'm in a committed endless discussion about where to have dinner." I think I've fallen in hate with you I just wish pictures and mirrors could agree on what I actually look like. According to Population figures, there r 7 Billion people on earth compared to only 5 Billion 20 years ago.I blame these illegal immigrants That awkward moment when nobody understands or appreciates your sarcasm. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once. You think you have relationship issues? Try separating me from my bed in the morning. If you never confused euthanasia with youth in Asia you're a much smarter person than I am You call it stalking...I call it a complicated long distance relationship with lack of effort to make this thing work on your part. I was gonna make a joke about Sodium and Hydrogen, but NaH I’d love to hear your long story. If you can make it short. And interesting. I was in a restaurant with my gf when I got down on 1 knee.she cried.I cant believe this is happening.Shut up,I said,My wife just walked in An empty browsing history is a dirty browsing history. Oh your Twitter account is protected? What do you tweet... Nuclear launch codes? Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout. As I watch this spider walk across the floor, I wonder if his spidey senses are telling him he's about to get fucked up. Dear almost-sneeze, Please stop making me look like I'm having an orgasm. Sincerely, it's really awkward. All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don't force an innocent cat to live with you. you know....Porn paints a extremely unrealistic picture....of how quickly you can get a plumber over to your house.... Can somebody lower their standards and fall in love with me, please? Some consider Romeo and Juliet a tale of true romantic love. Sure, if you consider 2 underage kids in a relationship that lasted 3 days causing 2 suicides and 3 murders romantic. You never realize how weird your friends are until you start to describe them to someone else Every now and then I like to reflect on marriage and think to myself, "Where would I be, if not for my husband?" Then I get all depressed and have to stop because I keep coming up with all these great answers. It's a good thing Taylor Swift and Adele aren't dating. Imagine if they broke up I wish conversations were like user agreements where I could skip to the end and just agree. I wish some of my co workers weren't allowed in the break room... Because that's who I usually need a break from. There ain't no mountain high enough to keep me from getting to you. Unless its an actual mountain. Then forget it. Every warning label has an awesome backstory. "Why the Hell did you call me a control freak?" I asked my wife, angrily."Because you told me to!" she cried.

The Amazing Spider-Man, Ted, Magic Mike Movie Reviews

Movie Name : The Amazing Spider-Man
Running time : 136 mins
Rated : PG-13
Cast: Andrew Garfield,
Emma Stone,
Rhys Ifans,
Denis Leary,
Martin Sheen,
Sally Field,
Irrfan Khan
Director: Marc Webb

Plot : The Amazing Spider-Man is the story of Peter Parker (Garfield), an outcast high schooler who was abandoned by his parents as a boy, leaving him to be raised by his Uncle Ben (Sheen) and Aunt May (Field). Like most teenagers, Peter is trying to figure out who he is and how he got to be the person he is today. As Peter discovers a mysterious briefcase that belonged to his father, he begins a quest to understand his parents' disappearance - leading him directly to Oscorp and the lab of Dr. Curt Connors (Ifans), his father's former partner. As Spider-Man is set on a collision course with Connors' alter-ego, The Lizard, Peter will make life-altering choices to use his powers and shape his destiny to become a hero.

Google creates 'computer brain' that loves cats!

The efforts of a team of scientists, hired by the famous Google X Labs, have been successful in the direction of crating the first artificial brain, capable of learning from its own experience.Rather famous for inventing the self-driving cars and for the Google Project Glass (augmented reality glasses), the scientists of Google X Labs are currently working on an new, highly-ambitious project, that attempts to create a virtual replica of the human brain, capable of learning.It turns out our future robot overlords love watching cats on the Internet, too. Google used 16,000 computer processors to create an artificial brain, connected it to the Internet, and fed it random images from 10 million YouTube videos so it could "learn."

Now you can buy a man-made floating 'island'

An Austrian firm has come up what it hopes is the next big thing for the mega-rich: a man-made, floating "island" with a list price of 5.2 million euros ($6.5 million)Measuring 20 by 37 metres (66 by 121 feet), the "Orsos Island" has no engine but can be anchored anywhere its owners choose and then towed to another location the other side of the world if they so wish.

Machine offers iced tea for tweets

A Twitter-activated vending machine is dispensing free ice tea in exchange for a Tweet in South Africa, in what developers say is the world's first sampling drive via the micro-blogging site.The robot-like machine was set up in a Cape Town mall, where it reacts to a specific hash tag to kick into action and pop out cans of the local BOS Ice Tea brand while displaying the tweeter's username.

Witty-funny-funliners-awesome Tweets June week 4

I just snatched your little ray of freaking sunshine and flushed it down the toilet. How ya feeling now?

My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed.... I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.

WARNING: If you see posts offering free clips of Justin Bieber's new album, DO NOT CLICK. They link to free clips of Bieber's new album.

Did I offend you with my opinion? Oh well, you should hear the ones I keep to myself...

We met, we called, we liked, we talked, we texted, we dated, we committed. I loved, you cheated, I'm done.. You're deleted

I can't take this long distance relationship anymore...Fridge, you're coming to my room.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Brave, Seeking a Friend for the End of the World Movie Reviews

Movie Name : Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Running Time : 105 minutes
Rated : R
Cast : Benjamin Walker,
Dominic Cooper,
Mary Elizabeth Winstead,
Anthony Mackie,
Rufus Sewell,
Martin Scokas
Director: Timur Bekmambetov

Plot : The plot here is one of revenge. A young Lincoln loses his mother to a gang of vampires — but not before she tells him that "until everyone is free, we are all slaves." Lincoln fails at his first attempt to avenge her death, which came at the hands of vampire citizen Jack Barts (Martin Csokas). But when he's taught the vampire-hunting trade by the refined Henry (Dominic Cooper), Lincoln moves to Springfield, Ill., to begin his new life.Visionary filmmakers Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov reinvent the time-honored genre and present the terrifying creatures of the night as they were meant to be experienced -- as fierce, visceral, intense and bloodthristy. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter brings to the screen the secret life of our nation's favorite president...as history's greatest hunter of the undead.